Is it possible to survive the death of a child and how to do it?

The loss of your own child cannot be compared with anything. This is the worst thing a parent can experience.

The death of a child can radically change a life , cripple and deprive people of everything bright and good that people had.

Such a loss is terribly difficult to cope with. It hurts both physically and mentally. The man is devastated and broken. But is there life after such terrible grief? How will you force yourself to continue living?

Why do they give birth to children? Find out the opinion of psychologists.

How do parents who have lost their children feel?

Parents who have lost children experience the worst grief possible.

All emotions and feelings intensify and it is often unbearably painful to deal with .

Grief, hopelessness, grief, guilt and much more are felt by parents who have lost their children. It's impossible to put into words. Such a loss is very painful. It seems that it is simply impossible to survive.

The feeling of inner emptiness and the bitterness of loss may not leave the parents for a long time. It is very difficult for them to experience all this. But we need to fight and continue to live.

How long does it take to recover from the loss of a child?

– This is, of course, a very individual question. I can only give a very average range: 6–18 months. I would rather like to draw attention to those symptoms that should alert you:

• absence of feelings for two or more weeks after the loss;
• severe grief after two years or more;
• suicidal thoughts and intentions;
• long-term depression accompanied by insomnia;
• complete change in lifestyle;
• a very socially active lifestyle or, conversely, an increasing desire for privacy;
• the appearance of psychosomatic diseases (rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, migraines, neurodermatitis, etc.);
• prolonged illness or injury to one of the family members, especially a child.

If you notice similar symptoms in yourself or your loved ones, this is a reason to immediately contact a psychotherapist or family psychologist.

What stages does a person go through when experiencing the death of a child?

Each person, faced with such great grief, will experience it differently. As a rule, there are from 4 to 7 stages through which a person experiencing loss passes:

1. Denial - what happened puts a person into a stupor and shock.
   He cannot believe what happened, even if he saw it with his own eyes. He doesn’t want to admit it to himself, he denies what happened. He may have mixed memories, confused thoughts, and becomes disoriented in time. At this stage the person may be very absent-minded and forgetful. He begins to behave in a way that was not typical for him before. This phase doesn't last too long. But a person needs to experience it in order to accept the loss in the future. At this moment, his loved ones should make sure that he is comfortable and not lonely.
2. Anger, rage, resentment - a person begins to get angry at the situation. He hates everything around him, it seems to him that everything is wrong and unfair. He can take out his anger on a dead child, “How could you leave me.” This period is very painful and emotional. All feelings come out. He may have a hysteria, he may lose his temper.
3. Feeling of guilt - at this stage a person begins to blame himself for what happened, for the fact that he devoted little time to his child, for not saying something.
   People start replaying their entire lives, all their memories, and reproaching themselves. The feeling of guilt is very deeply rooted in a person. It can stay with him for many years, or even for life.
4. Depression usually occurs in the type of people who keep all their emotions and experiences inside. Everything around seems gray, and life is meaningless. At this moment, it is important to have someone nearby who will support you. This phase can drag on for a long time. From 2 months to 2 years. But, of course, everything is individual.
5. Acceptance - after all the previous stages, as a rule, acceptance and humility comes to a person. Time will pass, emotions will subside, and it is important at this moment to decide to move on, accept what happened and let go. It is extremely difficult to do this, but it is necessary. The loss of a child is a very terrible grief and it is very difficult to accept. But you need to live and return to your usual rhythm.

Should I have a second child? Read about it here.

Does it often happen that a couple breaks up after the death of a child?

– Yes, this, unfortunately, happens. The loss of a child is a serious crisis for a family, and not every couple can cope with it. Families typically respond to loss in one of the following ways:

• unite within the family, reducing the frequency of communication with friends, colleagues, and so on;
• are isolated from each other, preferring to experience grief alone;
• only one family member grieves, the rest do not support him, and often make him an object of aggression;
• replace a lost child (they give birth to the next one within a year);
• organize a family symptom: for example, an older child begins to get seriously ill or demonstrates behavioral problems. This allows parents to switch over and not go into grief. A family symptom is an unconscious phenomenon; it is impossible to control its occurrence.

All of the above reactions to the loss of a child prevent parents from fully living their grief and responding to all the emotions associated with it. And being in an atmosphere of frozen grief is very painful. And the spouses begin to look for a breath of fresh air: in other relationships, absorption in work, alcohol, and so on.

In addition, when we anesthetize some emotions, all others are automatically frozen. And warmth and tenderness, which are the “glue” for their union, leave the relationship between husband and wife.

Advice from psychologists

How to cope with the loss of a child during pregnancy? Some people think that if the child was not born, then it is easier to cope with the loss. But that's not true. Mom carries her baby under her heart, she feels him and already loves him immensely.

Therefore, it is just as difficult for her to cope with loss as it is for others. The first thing to do is admit and realize what happened. Then force yourself to get up and do something.

After a miscarriage, women often begin to feel depressed; they need to get out of this state as quickly as possible.

If there are other children, they will help. After all, they need to be taken care of.

Nothing heals like being busy . Busy with children, work, household chores, etc.

In this case, time flies by unnoticed, and all bad thoughts fade into the background.

How to cope with the death of a newborn child? The death of a long-awaited and beloved child during childbirth is very difficult to survive. He comes into this world and does not yet have time to meet his parents, and they do not meet him. It is very difficult to survive such grief.

Some people advise having a child immediately after a loss. But here everything is individual. Parents must decide for themselves whether they are ready for this or whether it is best to wait.

After all, during pregnancy they will be afraid of problems, nervous and worried, and this may not have a very good effect on the child . Therefore, before making such an important decision, you need to think carefully about everything.

How to live after losing a child? After parents lose their child, it is very difficult for them to return to their normal lives. But it needs to be done. The main thing is to survive the grief. Give vent to your emotions and feelings.

Cry and speak out. You really need to do this, it will make it easier.

Try not to dwell on what happened, so as not to become obsessed with this situation.

It's difficult to do, but you have to try. You need to get up every morning and do your business.

Cooking, going to work, meeting friends. This cannot be done right away, but over time, everything will come to its senses .

How to get rid of depression during pregnancy? Find out about this from our article.

What can I do to avoid this?

– Talk to each other, support in experiencing all the feelings that arise. Ask for help if you need it – and help can come in all sorts of ways. And just a family psychologist will be able to help understand what is happening with each of the family members, establish communication, and adapt to new conditions.

Grandmothers can look after older children who are also having a hard time. But who knows what kind of help you might need? The main thing is that family members understand that they are in a difficult period and do not hesitate to ask for support.

How to help a loved one whose baby has died?

A person who has lost a child desperately needs the support of loved ones . Even if they demonstrate with all their behavior that this is not so.

1. Need to be close .
   It is important that the person knows that you are nearby at all times. There is no need to leave him, even if he wants to. You can leave him alone, but you still need to be close.
2. Be prepared to hear angry messages addressed to you . A person experiencing such a terrible loss may not be able to control himself. Don't get offended and leave.
3. Be there during the funeral , even if you have very important things to do, they all need to be cancelled. At this moment, a person experiences loss especially acutely, and it is important for him to know that you are nearby.
4. Help the person with some deeds . Whatever he needs, do it. Help around the house, prepare meals, etc.
5. Hug your loved one more often. Support him, listen to him, let him cry.
6. Under no circumstances should you say: “Calm down and move on,” “You should move on, this is what your child would want,” “You will have more children,” “Suck it up,” and stuff like that.
   It’s better to ask more often to talk about your feelings, because the grieving person needs to share with someone.
7. There is no need to advise anything in this situation . If you can’t find the right words, then it’s better to just remain silent.
8. There is no need to compare the death of a child with the death of someone else . The death of a child is the greatest grief, which is incomparable to the death of a friend or grandmother.

How to cope with postpartum depression on your own? Find out the answer right now.

The death of a loved one is always difficult to cope with. But when a child dies, it is a terrible loss for his parents. It is on working with such losses that the psychologists of the St. Petersburg public organization of social assistance “Family Information Center” focused. The loss of a child can become a deep lifelong trauma for both parents - for those who drown themselves in this trauma, in despair, relationships both within the family and connections with external society collapse or become distorted. The center's psychologist Nadezhda Stepanova tells how the specialists of the Family Information Center help parents and other family members cope with the death of a child and find new hopes.

The Family Information Center helps women who have suffered perinatal loss and their family members, families who have lost a child, as well as the birth of a premature child or a child with a disability.

— Who experiences the loss more difficult – a family that has lost a baby, or a family that has lost an older child?

— If we say that it is harder to lose an older child than a newborn, then I both agree and no. Each family, each situation has its own characteristics. But yes, parents form more and more social and psychological connections as the child grows, these include clubs, kindergarten, friends, relatives... all these people and communities came into contact with the child, the family. These parents thus had more memories and hopes. And even after the birth of another child in the family, the parents still have memories of what was lost, but this is natural. It’s another question if the parents did not internally grieve this loss, and this could be for various reasons. For example, one of the parents was indirectly to blame for the child’s death in an accident.

— It turns out that selfishness predominates in people’s experiences: “I’m worried because my expectations did not come true,” “My grief,” and so on. But then there is very little space left for the departed children themselves...

“But this most often happens when you lose any loved one, not necessarily a child. More often we worry not about him, but about the fact that we are left without him and now we need to rebuild our world. We cry about ourselves, our unfulfilled dreams, plans, expectations...

— How many parents who have lost their children suffer from feelings of guilt? And how do you work with people if this guilt is real?

- Everyone suffers. How to work is a very difficult question. When a young woman, eight months pregnant, jumps from a parachute and loses her child, it is, of course, very difficult to work with her - she understands that she is to blame, that her actions provoked the loss. But here we need to admit the fact - yes, the act was rash. Perhaps the woman was not very ready for motherhood; in her picture of the world it was not at all assumed that children could die. Or the family was preparing for the birth of a child, they did everything that was necessary and possible, but the feeling of guilt is still present. How to work? Depending on the situation. It is impossible to say that the feeling of guilt goes away quickly and forever. Sometimes this takes a long time.

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— The funeral of a deceased child - in what way do you discuss this problem with clients? Especially when it comes to newborn babies.

“Often mothers sometimes don’t even want to look at their dead newborn children, they don’t want to take them away to bury them. Until a certain time, it was the practice of doctors to say: “Why do you need to look?” But if a woman did not bury her child, she later develops all sorts of terrible pictures. For example, a woman came to talk about her grandchildren (she is a fairly young grandmother), but it turned out that a child died in her first marriage, but she did not look at him, did not take him, and then she began to imagine his appearance, then I started looking on the Internet for information about what happens to the bodies of such babies - some say that they are used as biomaterial, others say that they are thrown into a common pit, and so on. And she says: “I began to imagine all this. How can I live with this now?” Families come to me who have already made a decision, the woman left the maternity hospital and now she is looking for confirmation from me that she did the right thing by refusing to look at the child and bury him. But for believers, the question of whether or not to bury a child does not arise at all. Therefore, it is important that psychologists working with such families have a unified approach and understand the need and importance of this stage. In Germany, if a family at first does not want to look at the child and bury him, they are given some time to reflect on their desires and actions, during which time the family can change their decision. It would be great if we adopted their practice.

— If there are already other children in the family, do you work with them too?

- Yes. You definitely need to work with children. After all, children understand what is happening. If their parents do not tell them about what happened, they develop neuroses and fears, sometimes not directly related to death. And parents often do not inform their children about the death of a sibling. They explain it like this: “Why?” Especially if a newborn baby dies, they come up with some kind of story or generally impose a ban on this topic. At the same time, the child sees that everyone is crying, that mom and dad have no time for him, they can send him to his grandparents. The child feels separated from the family, in a kind of isolation zone. And he begins to have his own fantasies, which he then has to deal with on his own; a child’s fantasies are sometimes worse than reality. So I think that a child should definitely be told about the death of his brother or sister, but find the right time for this and think about what words to say.

- But the child himself can acutely experience the death of a brother or sister.

- Certainly. Again, especially if there is already some history of their communication. And most importantly: in any case, the child may also become depressed due to such events in the family. It is believed that if a child jumps and gallops, it means he is having fun and good. But in this way he can attract the attention of his parents so that they switch their minds and become happy, and the child thus receives for himself the “former” parents, the same as they were before the loss.

— How should other neighbors of those who are experiencing the loss of a child behave? What can’t be said, and what can and should be said?

“Rather, I’ll say what’s not allowed.” You can’t say right after it happened: “You will have more children.” After all, the parents have not yet cried or burned out. You cannot offer to go to work, forget yourself, stop crying - that is, you cannot offer any kind of blocking of emotions. Moreover, you cannot say: “I’m tired of you crying.” You cannot blame, even if the parents are objectively to blame for the death of the child. You cannot devalue the loss: “the pregnancy was at the wrong time,” “no matter what is done, everything is for the better,” and the like... The parents themselves already have enough feelings of guilt, they just need to support them. In general, you can touch on these topics only when the parents themselves want to talk about it. What should I do? Give the opportunity to cry as much as necessary. But at the same time, look at whether a person withdraws into himself or not. If he leaves society, this is an alarming sign. In this case, you need to call, come, and not leave with your attention. Talk and, most importantly, listen, restraining yourself from advice and comparisons: you cannot say that someone has everything much worse, this is also devaluation.

— What if a person sharply refuses to communicate?

“If a person lives alone, then you still need to call sometimes, just to say: “I’m here, you can call me at any time.” You can write SMS, write messages on the Internet, on Skype. Today there are many opportunities to let a person know that he is not alone.

- A woman needs to be allowed to cry. What about the man?

- Men cry too. And it’s great when a man can afford it. I suggest that men, if possible, take a joint vacation - in order to be with themselves and with their spouse. Some families leave - but not for fun, but in order to jump out of a familiar and traumatic space. It is important for a man to know how he can help his wife, how to answer questions from others, for example: “Yes, we lost a child, but now I don’t want to talk about it.” But this does not mean that he does not worry and a man does not need time to cope with the loss.

— Do people come to you years after a loss?

— I must say that right away, that is, in an acute state of grief, grief rarely comes. But it happens that they come after a very long time. Sometimes they come with other questions regarding family relationships, and when I start asking about the family’s past, it turns out that there was a loss of a child. And here, if a person is ready to talk about it, then either this is a lived story, and he tells it the same way I can tell my story, or these are strong feelings, emotions, grief is re-experienced, people say: “We didn’t tell anyone about this.” "

— Can older people who once experienced loss somehow support young people with the same problem?

- Certainly. An older person might say, “Look at me, I’m 75 years old. It’s hard for you now, you can’t forget it, but you can survive it.” Now I will say a phrase that may shock many in this context: one way or another, any experience enriches a person. Suffering also makes our picture of the world richer. And here older people can show this with their own examples. But when the only grandson or granddaughter dies, the grandparents’ experiences are no less intense than those of the child’s parents. This is also due to their unfulfilled expectations; they think that they may not have other grandchildren.

— Maybe, in general, one of the main problems is that we expect too much from each other?

- Yes. And when our expectations and our fantasies do not come true, it becomes a disaster for us. There are people who are ready to quickly adapt, and there are people who are not ready. Of course, in a crisis situation any discrepancies become aggravated.

“There’s an old saying: “God gave, God took.” Essentially, this is a summary of a fragment from the biblical Book of Job. Do you think people used to take the deaths of their children easier?

- I think so. There was more trust in God and an understanding that man is not able to fully control his life and death. And I also have to tell clients that each of us has our own deadline.

— Doesn’t the lack of such understanding give rise to hyper-responsibility?

— I constantly talk about this at seminars and webinars – not only on bereavement, but also on problems related to children in general. Still, parents need to be simpler in certain matters. Sorry, but in the 50s and 60s, a child often had a single enamel pot. And now they reason: “Well, the child doesn’t go to the blue potty, let’s buy him a red one.” And the mother is told that if her child does not go to the potty at one and a half years old, then she is a bad mother. And there is another point: before, women gave birth to how many children? How much God gave. And now? Most have one or two. Moreover, social and economic conditions could have been much worse before. Therefore, I often say that there is no need to neuroticize parents - they also have a life besides the child. It is a disaster for a child when the life of his parents is focused only on him. Parents of children with special needs are more susceptible to this. I remember one family in which the youngest child had very severe symptoms - bedridden, with mental retardation. He lived to be 10 years old and at this age could only lie down and roll around - nothing more. But his father is a doctor, his mother is a teacher, both worked and work, they did not stop their lives, but they did not send the child to a boarding school. The child lived with them. What did they do? They secured the space in which he was located, for example, they made him a sleeping place almost on the floor - so that he would not fall or hit himself.

— Did this couple not have a feeling of guilt due to the fact that they perhaps should have been more involved with the child, and then he would have reached at least a slightly higher level of development?

- You know, I think that such thoughts can arise in any parent - it doesn’t matter whether his child is healthy or sick, whether he is alive or dead. There is always a feeling that you didn’t do something, didn’t deliver enough, didn’t have time, overlooked it... But this couple still tried to give their child a lot - they continued to work on his rehabilitation even when the specialists told them that there would be no progress. The parents answered: “But he’s alive, so we’ll do it.”

— You also work with families with children with disabilities. Can a family turn to you if they are still afraid that their child will either be born with developmental disabilities or will not survive?

—

Our project provides for us to catch a family when, even at the stage of pregnancy, doctors discover that the child may have some kind of pathology. Here it is very important to let the woman understand that she is not God, but a mother, and is doing the maximum that she can. If the whole family is involved during this period, then it is very important to help everyone decide what and how each of them can do in this situation. When a family comes out of disorientation and moves into real action, it gives people the opportunity to see both those actions and their results, which ultimately gives hope. After all, there is such a problem: often, if a woman gives birth to a child with certain developmental disorders, she fences herself off from society: “No one will understand me.” She has a fear of being judged - and indeed, not everyone around her understands what is happening. And here our task is to restore her connection with society. How to form social connections in this case? Introduce the family to other families who have similar problems. Families can share real experiences, addresses of medical institutions, organizations whose work has the specifics of working with certain disorders. In addition, our society as a whole is still changing - and many families with disabilities receive moral support from the most ordinary people, their neighbors, for example.

Church opinion

Father Vladimir

Clergyman

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When a daughter dies, it is one of the saddest events in life. Words of condolences, sorrow, and even chants in church cannot express the depth of suffering. There is no escape from this pain; everything earthly is broken about it. Nothing makes sense anymore except God. Parents can study psychology to alleviate their condition, watch video trainings, listen to specialists, but all this will not reduce the pain. Only awareness of the immortality of the soul will help. She is eternal, which means that the deceased daughter did not disappear without a trace. Those who are nearby need to say less standard words of sympathy. Silent understanding – tears in your own eyes – will be much more supportive.

Stages of Grief

For parents, the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that would justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Along with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart; it is impossible to survive the death of her son, just as it is impossible to move a mountain. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does someone who has experienced the death of their son go through:

1. Shock.
2. Sobs and hysterics.
3. Depression.
4. Mourning.
5. Parting.

How to cope with the death of a newborn?

The death of a baby affects the psyche of parents no less than the death of an adult child. Particularly affected are the mothers who carried the baby, bought bottles and booties for the birth, and then the heart of their beloved child suddenly stopped beating. The loss is so painful that some parents simply cannot believe what is happening. Unfortunately, even such little angels die without having time to say the word “mother.” How to cope with the death of a newborn child:

1. Monitor the health. The woman in labor needs rest and care, despite the terrible tragedy. She needs rehabilitation and healthy sleep, which, if necessary, can be provided by medications selected by a doctor. The father of a deceased child should not let himself down either. Rest and walks in the fresh air will help you come to your senses at least a little and give you strength to support your grief-stricken mother. Dear men, she needs you now more than ever. Your courage, resilience and confidence in a bright future will soften her inconsolable grief.
2. Remove all items intended for the baby from the house. One of the most important tips from a psychologist on how to survive the death of a newborn baby is to not mourn over cute blouses and rattles. You shouldn’t engage in masochism and cry for hours, sitting by the recently purchased crib and rocking it. Give things to friends or to your baby's home. This way you will do a good deed and remove from your eyes the reminder of the misfortune that happened.
3. Find something to do. Anything that you can handle now. Start watching a TV series, just not a melodrama, try to learn a foreign language, sign up for a sports section. Anything that evokes even the slightest response from you will do. To worry less, you need to be at least a little distracted from grief.
4. Don't lose hope for happiness. If you still want to become the parents of a little screaming bundle, then try again a little later and wait for your little angel. Irreparable health problems are a sign that you can make the baby from the orphanage happy. The test of fate sent to you from heaven is difficult to endure. But who knows, maybe in the future you will find boundless happiness, which would have been impossible without what happened. Try to look at the situation from a philosophical point of view and prepare mentally for the future addition to the family.

Of course, surviving the death of a newborn child is very difficult. A part of your soul seemed to die the moment you learned the terrible news. But, no matter how cynical it may sound, life goes on. And you must gradually come to your senses and learn this lesson of fate with dignity. A white streak will definitely come to you, you just need to be patient and wait for the favor of heaven.

Forums and relief organizations

Today, various centers are opening to provide assistance to people who find themselves in difficult psychological situations. The table contains the main organizations of this type:

How do the experiences of men and women differ?

Life is cyclical and moves in a predetermined circle. For parents, the stages are: preparation for birth, acceptance of the newborn, care, preparation for the school period, preparation for adolescence, separation, marriage, etc. The sudden death of a son distorts everything, breaks patterns, disrupts established cyclic phases, and is impossible to accept.

Mother and father experience the tragedy in different ways. Women are thought to cope better with this pain. Perhaps because those who give life accept death more easily. Women let their feelings come out. Fathers worry more in silence, keeping their sadness to themselves. Male pain is usually dull and deep. They have fewer resources to deal with it. It is very important to calm a man down, even if he seems outwardly calm, to talk to him and support him.

How soon can a couple start thinking about getting pregnant again?

– When all stages of grief have passed. Usually this happens no earlier than a year later. But this is where it’s definitely worth consulting with experts.

Important: if you or your loved ones have lost a very young child (as a result of a miscarriage, in the last stages of pregnancy, during childbirth or in the first months of the baby’s life), you can join the “Memory Cloud” support group on Facebook, Instagram, Viber.

Reproduction of CityDog.by materials is possible only with the written permission of the editors. Details here.

Destroy - don't build

Of course, grief can quite easily destroy a family; it is much harder to unite in such a situation. What should spouses do, how to survive this cruel ordeal and preserve their feelings, save their family?

The main thing is not to isolate yourself in your grief, do not isolate yourself from your loved one. After all, it’s harder for men because it’s not easy for them to talk about pain and focus on living through it.

After the tragedy, you will have to rebuild your life and relationships, adapting them to these new circumstances. Memories of what they experienced will not go away, and in any case, the spouses will have to talk about it. Even if there is a feeling that it is no longer possible to talk as before, you should not run away from frank conversations. At the same time, it is important to maintain a sense of tact - incorrectly chosen words can create another gap between spouses. Another danger of alienating once close people is mutual accusations. Instead, you should learn to empathize, support and, finally, what is important, forgive each other.