How to understand that a relationship has outlived its usefulness and it’s time to leave: signs

Hello, dear readers! At first glance, ideal couples can hide many problems that are simply unbearable to the outside. There are no absolutely harmonious relationships. But in one case it’s just a disagreement between lovers, in another it’s people who are strangers to each other, who don’t admit it to themselves for various reasons. So, how do you understand that a relationship has outlived its usefulness and it’s time to leave? How to realize in time that precious years are wasted in contact with a person with whom there is no future? We’ll figure it out below on the website, and at the same time we’ll find out what a toxic relationship is and how to get out of it.

What is love

A person in love will answer that love is a feeling of euphoria, the feeling of wings behind your back. Psychologists consider the feeling of falling in love as a complex of chemical reactions similar to drug intoxication with an admixture of schizophrenic illusions. A rejected person will describe love as pain that burns from the inside. Therefore, to such a simple question, there are thousands of answers and all of them are correct. Like the concept of love, love relationships are also individual, and it is impossible to determine when it is time to end them from the outside. Of course, except for an experienced psychologist who will be so imbued with the sessions that he will become part of them.

Love is neither good nor bad, it is a feeling of attachment, emotional dependence on another person.

You should not listen to the advice of glossy magazines, take unscientific tests, or seek the help of fortune telling from gloomy oracles. You need to understand yourself, your fears, feelings, and learn to discuss the problem with your partner. How and where to start can already be helped by advice based not on theory, but on the experience of eminent psychologists. Thanks to feedback and many years of practice, a number of universal criteria have been built that indicate an unhealthy attachment without a future, with variables remaining unchanged.

Why is there a need?

The need for a “comic” separation arises in a situation where the relationship has reached a dead end, old feelings have disappeared, and it is unclear whether there is love in the heart or not. Couples who have been together for a long time go through difficult periods. They are caught up in the routine of everyday problems, there is no time for each other, it seems that there are no feelings, so it’s time to part.

The moment of separation for unmarried couples is less tragic, since everyone thinks only about their own well-being, hurt pride, and wounded feelings. There is nothing tragic about a possible separation.

If a married couple decides to take a time-out, the situation is much more serious. We also have to think about the fate of the children, resolve everyday issues, and divide property. For spouses, a pause is needed to decide what to do next: reconcile, reconcile, or divorce.

Relationship crisis

Not every quarrel or cooling of feelings indicates the collapse of the union. First, it is worth discussing the symptoms that indicate that there is a future, and that what is happening is only a protracted disagreement or an imminent crisis, and not the end of the relationship. Jumps of feelings happen among those who have just decided to live together, among spouses with 20 years of experience, among those who have been dating for only six months. Psychology comes to the rescue here too, to keep together those who can be happy.

Signs of a time of crisis:

Desire to be alone. You need to take a break from your significant other, this is written in any textbook on family psychology. Especially if the couple lives together and works in the same company. If, after meeting with friends or drinking cappuccino alone in the park, you feel that you miss your loved one, everything is fine. And, if, after a week-long business trip, you sigh heavily at the thought of an early meeting, you need to leave.
Quarrels over plans for the future. If disputes often arise about how the bathroom will be renovated or the nursery will be equipped, there is no need to be alarmed. Only loving people who care about their life together look for a compromise and try to make their common future comfortable. It’s bad when you are completely indifferent to what your partner wants, thinks, when you don’t want to share your plans.
Constant quarrels. It is completely normal for two choleric people to have emotional strife. But only if, after a scandal and slamming of doors, the time comes to calm down and discuss the conflict.
Manipulation. Complex and subtle criterion. Manipulating a partner is a type of psychological violence that should not happen in a couple. If hysterics and refusal of sex are an isolated incident, then this is a reason for a calm conversation. But constant provocations are dangerous, they cannot be tolerated, this is a clear sign of an unhealthy, toxic relationship.
Thirst for power. Everyone has difficult times at work, in understanding themselves. At such moments, you want to become a leader somewhere. Most often, the blow falls on the family and significant other. But such a period must come to an end, and the culprit must feel responsible for what he has done. There is no division of power in a couple; partners are equal.
Lack of support. There is such a concept - “healthy egoism,” which means self-love, unwillingness to bend to the needs of another, to the detriment of oneself. The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises putting your desires above all else. Only by respecting yourself will you be able to respect your partner and receive respect in return. It is impossible without mutual respect; understanding and support in difficult situations are built on it. It’s normal to defend your opinion when disagreements arise, but at the same time, be sure to look for a compromise that suits both.

Temporary separation initiated by a man

Men are more likely to end long-term relationships. Even the initiators of temporary breaks are more often representatives of the stronger sex.

Women tend to value more what has been built over the years. At the same time, the man seeks to directly or indirectly place responsibility for what is happening on the side of his partner.

How to break up correctly

So, the relationship can no longer be saved, talking doesn’t help, there are a lot of emotions, but fear dulls logic. It's really difficult to initiate a breakup. But it’s difficult to take just the first step. There is a new life ahead, meetings, emotions. They are worth breaking the vicious circle of suffering and endless nervousness. Firstly, you need to admit that it is not love that holds you together with your partner, but dependence, your own fears, and it is possible to sort it out only by ending the toxic relationship.

The next step will be to restore self-esteem and self-sufficiency. There is no need to rush into a new relationship or change your hairstyle. Psychologists associate lack of self-confidence and the need for constant emotional support from a partner with childhood traumas. They are treated through consultations and hypnosis sessions. If this is not the first experience of an unpromising relationship, it may be worth saving money for a psychotherapist. But meditation, sports training, and learning new and interesting things can raise vitality and self-confidence.

Here are some tips that can be found on YouTube absolutely free:

don’t put off desires and opportunities, do what you want right now (go on vacation, learn a new language, do the splits);
don’t be afraid of losing people and money, speak out directly what you’re not happy with, even to close people (stop indulging in parental instructions if you’re already over 30 and treated like a child, change your job if it doesn’t bring you joy);
stop being afraid to open up to a new connection, just understand for yourself, “... it may or may not work out well, but I’m not afraid and I’m not avoiding relationships”;
learn to respect yourself, only the one who values herself and her interests can become interesting to the opposite sex, only the one who is afraid of losing;

A man cannot manipulate someone who does not need him and who does not depend on him.

don’t waste time on married men, don’t give a second chance to those who cheated, don’t tolerate your partner solely for material gain;
stop feeling sorry for yourself and listening to sad songs, shedding tears, put your energy into development, accept what happened as an invaluable experience, remember that depression is a clinical diagnosis, and what is happening to you is most likely asthenia, a decrease in vitality, which is treated with vitamins and active lifestyle;
after a breakup, don’t look for meetings, excuses for your lover’s actions, don’t look at photos together, don’t force the experience of emotions, cry, but not for more than a week, and then set a goal for a new life and happiness, first with yourself.

Final Thoughts

You shouldn't feel the need to look for one specific reason to justify wanting to break up. If you are no longer happy and feel that you cannot form a normal relationship with this person, then it is better to end it. It can be hard and it takes time to heal and move on. But time heals wounds. As a result, you will become stronger, wiser and happier.

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Rest from your partner

When you feel like you're starting to get annoyed that your loved one is around all the time, don't blame yourself. It's completely normal to be tired of your partner, especially for people who have been in a relationship for a long time. If you have any doubts about whether to continue, try taking some rest.

If possible, live separately or meet less often than you usually do. Perhaps your worries are caused only by fatigue from routine, and soon you will begin to miss the days when you spent time with your chosen one.

Listen to your feelings, and if separation is only a joy, think about whether you need to torment yourself in a relationship with someone whose company does not bring you pleasure.

His or her habits now annoy you.

The second of John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" predicting the end of marriage is contempt. (Criticism, protection from your partner, and a wall between you are the other three). It's a fine line when criticism - no matter how dirty and specific - turns into contempt and disgust, and at that very moment your partner's habits and weaknesses become a red rag for you. It could be his behavior at the table - of course, you noticed this when you were just dating, but now he bites into food so disgustingly, and it just infuriates him - or how crookedly he puts the dishes in the dishwasher, or anything else.

The same things begin to irritate you in your wife, whose persistence you found charming or whose laughter was endearing, but now it just drives you crazy.

Contempt prevents you from remembering why you fell in love with that person in the first place, and it actually destroys the relationship, usually in the form of verbal aggression.

Boredom and lack of variety

When you were just starting your journey together, your desire to be close was irresistible. But time passed and everything changed. You are no longer happy with the thought of the upcoming meeting, and your partner’s stories make you sleepy. This situation is familiar to couples who know everything about each other, and there is nothing to surprise them. Before you decide whether to stay in a relationship with a guy or girl if you're bored with them, get to the root of the problem.

Perhaps you simply lack variety, and this situation is completely correctable. Look for new activities that you both would enjoy, visit other cities or countries, constantly seek new experiences. There is a chance that you will soon fall in love with each other again, and thoughts of separation will quietly disappear.

Negative emotions

It is extremely difficult to always maintain a positive attitude, since in the adult life of any person there are many stresses and problems. But if you notice that your partner, coming home from work or a meeting, begins to throw out negative emotions on you, this is a reason to think about whether it is worth continuing the relationship, to understand how to change the situation and whether this is possible.

Try to support your significant other, show due attention and take part in his life. But if, despite all your efforts, a person continues to spoil your mood day after day, he probably does not care about your peace of mind. And there is something to think about...

Is there a certain point of no return after which divorce is inevitable?

It is clear that both researchers and therapists have long wondered why some couples go through crises, such as infidelity, and others do not. In a 2003 study, Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti showed that the main reason for divorce was infidelity - 21.6% of divorces occurred because of it, followed by incompatibility - 19.2%, alcohol or drug addiction - 10.6%, development of spouses in opposite directions – 9.6%, personal problems – 9.1% and lack of communication – 8.7%. Physical or mental violence and cold feelings were much less common - 5.8 and 4.3, respectively.

An interesting study by Shelby Scott and colleagues looked at 52 divorced couples who participated in a relationship skills and divorce prevention program after getting engaged; The purpose of the study was to understand what needs to be changed in this program so that it better helps avoid divorce. The study was conducted 14 years after the couples completed the program.

The results showed that the most common reason was a lack of desire to invest in the relationship – 75%, cheating – 59.6% and too many quarrels and arguments – 57.7%.

Participants were also asked if they had a “last straw” or a single event that ended their marriage, and 68% answered “yes” to this question. And again, for 24% the last straw was infidelity, for 21.2% domestic violence and for 12.1% alcohol/drug addiction.

So, infidelity does seem to be the turning point. But in another study, Alan J. Hawkins, Brian Willoughby, and William J. Doherty examined both the reason for divorce and individual openness to repairing the relationship, even in the most advanced stages of divorce. The main reason people cited was development in opposite directions (55%), the inability to talk to each other (53%) and how the spouse handles money (40%), and 37% of respondents reported infidelity. Other reasons included personal problems of the spouse 37%, lack of attention 34%, habits of the spouse 29% and sexual problems 24%.

It is not surprising that differences in tastes and preferences, problems with alcohol and drugs, division of household responsibilities, and conflicts in raising children were also significantly present in the respondents’ answers. Interestingly, the broader, softer themes— spreading in different directions, lack of communication, handling money—were inversely related to the possibility of reconnection, and the researchers conclude that people view these factors as underlying points of incompatibility

Does your girlfriend respect you?

A decent woman will never openly criticize or humiliate her man.

Loving - will give advice on how to become better, help and support.

Lack of respect manifests itself even in small things. She may mock you for flaws in your appearance or your position at work. Don't let her manipulate you.

Every couple has quarrels. This is fine. Emotions push us to release accumulated stress.

If they become constant, and her dissatisfaction becomes daily, it is better to end it. An unwillingness to calmly resolve conflicts is a sign of a dead relationship.

It doesn’t happen that one person is to blame for everything. You're both to blame. Most likely, she is not able to realistically assess herself and the situation.

You're not in love

Not everyone is ready to admit that discord in a relationship may not only be the fault of the partner. The reasons may also lie within you. You need to understand yourself so as not to make a mistake.

Having met a person, you felt affection for him and gratitude for the fact that he supports you and is there in difficult times. Such relationships are good for friendship, but another detail is important for marriage - love. Think about whether it is worth continuing a relationship if there are doubts that you have real feelings for the person. By being sincere with yourself and honestly admitting that you are not feeling the emotions you need, you can leave this situation and go in search of love.

You both instantly find the mistake and pounce on it.

Marriage expert John Gottman calls this the "clinging on to anything" effect and helps draw the line between complaining and criticizing. Let's say you're concerned about how much money your spouse spends or how he or she feels about your child's poor grades. A complaint focuses directly on the problem and is specific; For criticism, the problem is just an excuse to get personal. For example, if you say, “I'm worried about money, I think we need to tighten things up a little,” then you are voicing a complaint; however, if you say “you're spending a lot of money on crap like always, trying to keep up with the Johnsons. You are so terribly irresponsible and selfish,” this is criticism.

If your marriage has reached the stage where every wrong step or mistake becomes an occasion for your partner to list all your shortcomings - this is “clinging to everything that comes to hand.”

You have gone deep into the forest of problems, especially if every sentence you or your spouse makes begins with the words “you always” or “you never.”

Reluctance to solve problems

You admit that the relationship has deteriorated. However, you don't do anything to fix it. Now I want to step aside with the desire for everything to return to normal on its own.

There is an inertia in the relationship in which it continues because both partners are not ready to take the initiative to end it. No one feels the desire to take action and take responsibility for the breakup and continue to live as usual. This decision can be very dangerous, since such a condition can drag on for a long time. It is better to end the relationship and start a new life, having experienced the pain, than to torment both yourself and your partner with a sick relationship for a long time.