Let's remember what aggression is. This is a consequence of a simple basic emotion - anger. We all know the expression of open anger - facial expressions, intonations, characteristic behavior. We have seen this more than once and are unlikely to confuse it. As a manifestation of a basic emotion, a person needs aggression to a certain extent: it allows him to react and protect his boundaries from others and, if necessary, attack. We do this both physically and verbally, the actions of the aggressor and the goal are quite clear. It must be said that in society it is not customary to openly show one’s aggression. This behavior is usually condemned and people are advised to learn to manage their anger. “With hidden aggression, other manifestation mechanisms are involved,” says Olga Turovtseva, family psychologist, coach. — Often hidden aggression is a suppressed expression of anger in a socially acceptable form. Hidden aggression appears where a person cannot express his anger openly. Aggressors use subtle, implicit methods of invading other people's boundaries, so victims of hidden aggression do not immediately notice what is happening. The hidden aggressor imposes feelings of inferiority, uncertainty or guilt on the other person, systematically violates the boundaries of the other under the guise of caring, ignores, etc. Hidden aggression can be either conscious, when a person understands what and why he is doing, or unconscious. If we talk about the reasons why a person uses hidden aggression, this is the structure of his personality, the characteristics of the environment in which he lived and developed. This behavior becomes a person’s way of responding to problems.” Often the source of this behavior is an inability to recognize and express negative emotions. People also resort to hidden aggression in situations where they cannot express their feelings directly. Such people are afraid of open conflicts and try not to openly talk about their desires. To avoid responsibility, they always shift it to others. It happens that a person uses hidden aggression as a tool to achieve his goal or for self-affirmation.
Explicit and hidden
As for obvious aggression, there is no need to explain anything; it manifests itself openly. Things are completely different with hidden aggression in psychology, because it may not be recognized as aggression at all. And not only in the eyes of the one at whom the “evil” is directed, but also for the aggressor himself. Often it can resemble caring and does not at all resemble aggression. The victim does not even try to resist, because she has no idea what is really happening. And this is perceived naturally, because how can you resist when they try to show concern for you, use seemingly innocent jokes, and seemingly sincere teachings. Society won't understand. Here the situation changes in the strangest way, the victim herself begins to feel guilty for perceiving negatively and resisting those who seem to want only the best. It's not far from the hidden threat here. And it is very convenient for the aggressor to use this. And often unconsciously, but the fact remains a fact. What are the signs of hidden aggression?
He doesn't keep his promises
How does this manifest itself? First of all, he nods and agrees with everything, but he hesitates until the last minute in fulfilling his promises. Doing what was agreed upon for him is a real problem. If it comes to fulfilling promises, it happens at the last moment, poorly, for which there are many excuses and clearly expressed dissatisfaction. It is especially uncomfortable to have such people in your close circle, among relatives or good friends. Asking them for help is sometimes pointless. For example, they asked the spouse not to give the child sweets that make him sick, but he allegedly forgets about the agreement and gives him chocolate again.
This does not mean that you need to classify all your acquaintances, who often do not keep their promises, as passive aggressors. Yet this type of people is a combination of factors. A good example is the main character of the film “Love and Doves”. After all, how can you rely on a person who spends the last of his family money on pigeons, and hides in the attic with them from reprisals? And if for someone such behavior can be caused by some circumstances, then for a passive aggressor this happens on an ongoing basis. Resistance to requests, stubbornness, forgetfulness, procrastination, poor quality work - these are the makings of passive aggression. Some people mistakenly believe that such behavior is the lot of men, but hidden aggression is present in women even more often.
How to recognize passive-aggressive personality disorder
While doctors are arguing about the clinical picture, the symptoms of passive-aggressive disorder are more or less clear.
Its main background is negativism. The person suffering from the disorder looks and feels offended, depressed, disappointed, and displays sullenness and dissatisfaction. This is his usual state, which is accompanied by additional signs of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder: Symptoms & Treatment.
- Frequent complaints about life and others. Such people (from their point of view) are constantly underestimated, deceived, and tried to get around. At the same time, to the question “What needs to change for you to be satisfied?” It’s difficult to answer them. Passive aggressors are focused on making claims. They simply do not believe in the possibility of change.
- Criticism, often unfounded, or contempt towards superiors and people who are a step higher on the social or career ladder.
- Silent protest against any voiced requests and instructions. “Why should I do this? What, there weren’t any other people?!”
- Irritability if such a person is still forced to carry out an assignment.
- Deliberate slowness when performing “imposed” actions. For example, a passive aggressor may agree to take on part of the work in order to avoid conflict with the boss. But he will do everything to miss the deadline.
- Regular failure to fulfill agreements. Most often this is justified by forgetfulness or the phrase “I’ll do it later.”
At the same time, the passive aggressor does not agree to open conflict, which would help to understand the needs of the parties and find a compromise. He does not voice his desires. Those around them “should guess” about them.
He never expresses his position clearly
It is difficult to get a clear answer from a passive aggressor; he does not say what he thinks, what he wants, directly and clearly. It’s easier for him to avoid the question, discuss problems and try to clarify the situation - this is not for him. It is too difficult for him to explain what is wrong, what he wants and how to solve this or that situation. It is difficult to understand whether there is feedback and whether a person is interested. The answers to any questions are the same: “maybe”, “I don’t know”, “I don’t care”, “whatever you say”, “do as you want” and so on. It may seem to the interlocutor that the partner is giving him complete freedom of action with such behavior, but in reality this is not the case. No matter how strange it may seem, the inability to say “no” is one of the signs of passive aggression. It’s easier for a person to lie, promise and not fulfill. As a result, there is zero sense both at work and in my personal life. There is no place without manipulative behavior.
How can you express your feelings in an environmentally friendly manner without offending anyone?
This question can be reformulated: not how can I throw out accumulated emotions, but how can I generally live in such a way that it is joyful, resourceful and happy. What can be done for this?
The first is to look at your role in different systems. We often experience a feeling of heaviness and irritation when we confuse our roles. For example, when we take on the role of a mother in our relationship with our parents, we teach them how to live correctly and give them some advice. In a relationship with my husband, when we behave not like a spouse, but like a capricious girl, we say how tired we are and how bad everything is. Your man did not want to marry a capricious little girl, so at this stage the relationship deteriorates: the male initiative and sexual relations disappear. Or when at work we violate deadlines, do not work for the benefit of the company, do not value our place - and as a result we begin to receive fines from the system.
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And when all this accumulates, the question is - what should I do to express this in an environmentally friendly way? – it’s no longer worth it. You can go out into the forest and scream if it helps. But tomorrow you will start doing the same thing, and you will feel bad again. Therefore, you need to look at the whole: how to live happily, in balance, how to be in your place in each system.
From simple recommendations, it is always to work with self-love, acceptance of your family, your parents and self-worth. These are three whales on which a man floats. And then he will no longer have questions about how to throw out emotions, he will have a question - how to increase it, how to give more, what to do with the accumulated love, what else can I do for my partner, loved one, work and for clients. And such a world is already much more interesting.
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His words and actions contradict each other
Do you have a friend who always complains that you don’t spend enough time together, and then tries in every possible way to avoid this meeting and elude his promises. He will show with all his appearance that he is uncomfortable. He will be silent, quietly angry, but when asked what happened, he will answer that everything is fine. He will sigh and complain about life, but when asked for help he will still sigh and answer that he doesn’t need anything and nothing will help him. He can redo what you just did with a gloomy face, showing with all his appearance that you have not coped with your task. But in response to all questions you will hear only one thing: “Everything is fine, I’m just trying to help you.” This is especially true for hidden aggression in adolescents.
Accusations
Blaming is when we play the role of the “victim” in a conflict. We feel or want to feel that we are the true object of the injustice that has occurred to another person or group of people involved in the dispute.
This is a typical way to evade responsibility. When we put ourselves in a situation of helplessness, where the only way we see.
The scenario goes like this: If I look like a martyr in this situation, others will feel compassion for me and cater to my every whim.
Paradoxically, this is the weakest way to be the strongest: a person becomes stronger in his weakness than in his strength. Making other people feel guilty obviously “works” and is a hidden way to attack and manipulate others.
React to sabotage openly
To begin the fight against hidden aggression, you need to openly confront it. Be direct about what makes you angry when a promise is not kept. Ask him to promise only what he can really fulfill, and not to give false hopes. Or ask them to explain the meaning of such actions. Then you need to act according to the situation, it is only important to show that you are open to conversation. It is important not to hide your true emotions, if you are uncomfortable, say it directly; if something makes you angry, scared or happy, do not forget to say about it. Ask directly so as not to give the aggressor a way to retreat, seek a clear answer and the truth.
What to do if you are passive-aggressive
Try to understand yourself
Behind passive aggression - sarcasm, teasing, procrastination - lies anger or dissatisfaction that you forbid yourself to express openly. Dig into yourself and find out what (or who) exactly you are angry at, why you are afraid of conflicts and do not allow yourself to express your own feelings.
Give yourself permission to be angry
Admit that you are angry. Accept that this is a completely natural feeling, stop suppressing it. It's normal to feel anger, but suppressing it is not. This can lead to depression and anxiety disorders.
Talk about what's bothering you
This is one of the best ways to vent your feelings and let them go. Yes, for those who are used to keeping everything to themselves, frankness can be very difficult. Therefore, it may be worth formulating in advance what you want to say, and even practicing at home in front of the mirror.
Use “I messages”: talk about your feelings, but do not blame your opponent. “I get very angry when I have to spend evenings alone,” “It upsets me that my opinion is not listened to.” If such a conversation really scares you, you can talk about your experiences in a letter.
Learn to Express Your Feelings
Sometimes it is impossible to speak directly about your emotions. Or you are not ready for this yet. But this is also not a reason to keep anger and resentment to yourself. Try to express them in ways that won't offend anyone: keep a diary, write letters to your offenders (you don't have to send them), play sports, talk about your experiences with friends.
Calmly but firmly insist on keeping what you promised.
This option is suitable for those with steely patience. Getting a clear answer out of a passive aggressor is not an easy task; considerable energy is expended. You'll have to turn on the bore and demand-demand-demand. It will be necessary to constantly remind you of promises and agree on a time for their fulfillment. Let the passive aggressor name not only the day, but also the exact time.
Minimize communication with the passive aggressor
If none of the listed options worked, and your partner continues to stubbornly stand his ground (still hesitate, delay in answering, resist proposals, and so on). If you can no longer tolerate such an attitude, then you will have to admit that you cannot trust this person 100%, he is absolutely unreliable. Try not to take responsibility for his actions on yourself. It is best to allocate your time so that you have the least interaction with the passive aggressor so as not to disappoint yourself and others.
Phrases that passive aggression cannot do without
You can identify an aggressor by phrases that indicate that your partner may be a potential source of aggression. Forms of hidden aggression can be the following:
- “I’m not angry” - no matter how strange it may sound, the banal denial of feelings of anger is one of the manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior. He will never admit his real feelings or explain what caused it. It’s easier for him to claim that he’s not angry, but inside it will be a real volcano of anger and emotions.
- “Whatever you say” - and nowhere without “crazy people”, avoidance of answers, insults and standard passive-aggressive behavior. They won’t tell you clearly what you’re not happy with, and they won’t give you their arguments for and against. The person simply withdraws into himself and gives monosyllabic, meaningless answers. It turns out that anger is present, but is expressed only indirectly, without direct dialogue.
- “Yes, I’m coming!” - everything is extremely simple here, with such a phrase the aggressor simply postpones the inevitable. Just try to call your child for lunch for the hundredth time, and you will hear this dissatisfied: “Yes, I’m on my way.”
- “I didn’t know what you meant” is a phrase not only actively used by those who like to procrastinate, but also by passive aggressors. Everything is simple here. When a person is given a task that he does not want to do at all, he will try to put off completing it for as long as possible. And if you start asking when the report will be ready or something like that, the answer will be the same: “I didn’t know that this needed to be done now.” Such an answer can mean one thing: the person does not like the task at all and is unlikely to complete it efficiently after the next reminder.
- “I thought you knew” - classic passive-aggressive behavior suggests such an answer. This is called hiding information that could help. Moreover, this is done consciously. Such behavior may not occur particularly often; lovers of intrigue engage in such concealment. It’s as if they forget to show the letter, say about an important call or message.
Beware, any little thing can be used against you. As a result, we hear one thing: “How did they not know this? I thought you knew."
Personal factors of increased aggressiveness
It is important to discover problems at the root of aggressive behavior that a person cannot understand without outside help. Dissatisfaction with life status
A person who, for example, has natural talent, but has not developed it in time, is doomed to eternal dissatisfaction with life, work, and his environment. He sees himself as worthy of a better life, despises loved ones, takes out his anger on them
Dissatisfaction with life status. A person who, for example, has natural talent, but has not developed it in time, is doomed to eternal dissatisfaction with life, work, and his environment. He sees himself as worthy of a better life, despises his loved ones, and takes out his anger on them.
Fears and phobias that were not overcome in childhood. Fear is an individual’s experience associated with a threat to his existence. A person who is afraid of everything is almost always in a state of stress - in combat readiness for aggressive actions.
Development crises, reluctance to change. Aggressive energy is a natural mechanism for overcoming obstacles and moving forward. A person who has stopped in his development is inclined to become a parasite, to live at the expense of close people. He reacts aggressively to any reproaches addressed to him and perceives them as an attack on freedom.
Life style. The following people have an increased level of aggressiveness: workaholics who work extremely hard and neglect rest; smokers (especially in the absence of cigarettes); alcoholics (in a state of intoxication, during abstinence).
Upbringing. Aggression is rooted in childhood, in the mistakes of family upbringing. Lack of warmth, respect, freedom for self-realization are the main reasons for future dissatisfaction with life. Manifestations of child aggression are a signal for parents. They must understand in time what important need their child cannot satisfy and help him solve the problem.
Dubious compliments
“Of course, I would be happy” - this is the lot of the service staff, they can smile at you, flatter you, promise anything. And here a paradox occurs: the longer you ask and even demand that a task be completed faster, the longer it will take to complete. Or they may even end up in the trash bin marked “refuse.”
And nowhere without dubious compliments. For example: “You did a great job for someone who doesn’t have a college degree.” It’s the same if you tell a woman something like: “You’ll get married, don’t worry. There are men who prefer women with bodies.” Most often, such compliments relate to age, education, weight, appearance, and so on. The purpose of such a compliment is to evoke unpleasant emotions, offend or even offend. And no complaints, because it’s a compliment!
Another sign of hidden aggression is sarcasm. Blunt something stupid, say something nasty and immediately retract your words with the phrase: “This is a joke.” And if you say that the joke is not funny at all, then in response you will only hear that you have no sense of humor at all. There may even be a hidden threat lurking here.
Sarcasm, nastiness, an unpleasant joke, and then the question: “Why are you so upset?” This is another pointer to passive-aggressive behavior; the person seems to be enjoying the current situation; he managed to unsettle his interlocutor.
If you come across such behavior at work, at home or with friends, try not to react, because this is a common provocation that should not offend you in any way. Passive aggression can and should be fought.
Causes of aggressiveness
Personal characteristics that influence the development of a person’s aggressiveness are as follows:
- tendency to impulsiveness;
- thoughtfulness, absent-mindedness;
- emotional sensitivity, as well as a feeling of vulnerability, dissatisfaction, discomfort;
— hostile attribution, which refers to the assessment and interpretation of intentions and actions as aggressive.
Aggression in people is observed in a number of nervous and mental disorders.
The reasons for a person’s aggressiveness are: various kinds of conflicts, intimate problems, abuse of alcohol, psychotropic drugs, narcotic drugs, unsettled personal life, personal problems, feelings of loneliness, mental trauma, strict upbringing, watching thrillers, overwork, and refusal to rest.
The term “aggressive” in relation to athletes began to be used as a characteristic that means persistence in overcoming obstacles, as well as activity in achieving set goals.
