Be careful not to get confused! How to determine your personal value system

A common mistake in defining values ​​is confusing them with limiting beliefs.
All our lives, authorities (parents, teachers, idols) tell us about “reasonable, good, eternal,” and sometimes we feel very bad when we realize that we do not meet these standards. As for this “good and eternal”, we have nothing to do with it, at least in the understanding in which it is expected of us. Because in fact, life values ​​are not some generally accepted things, but what is valuable in the life of a particular person. In this article, I'll tell you how I defined them for myself (and how it made me happier).

What are values?

Each person has his own values ​​- important, worthwhile, useful things and principles for him. These are beliefs about what are the highest goods or most meaningful ideals. They give meaning to life, help overcome difficulties, motivate people and determine their behavior. A person who values ​​kindness generously spends time and resources to help people and animals. A connoisseur of honesty, he considers it necessary to tell the truth and does not allow lies.

Values ​​are important because they help make decisions that have a profound impact on a person’s well-being, mental and psychological health. By living in accordance with values, a person feels better and is more focused on important things. And vice versa - he feels uncertainty and disappointment when life does not live up to ideals. This applies to everyday and global life decisions.

Be prepared to be surprised

When I first learned my values, I was surprised. I didn't realize how important adventure was to me. It was as if my life flashed before my eyes: “Accomplish a feat, fighter”, “go on an epic adventure”, “special forces operation”, car trips across the country, my Jeep, my motorcycle, the dream of going to Australia... etc. .

I remember when I came to work at Microsoft, my first thought was “perform a feat, fighter!” For no reason, I imagined it as an adventure. I realized that working at Microsoft would be my adventure. When I manage a project, I'm trying to build the best team and have an epic adventure solving a difficult problem. I communicate in the team in special forces terms and take on the most difficult tasks. Most of my metaphors involve adventure.

It is very useful to know your values. You can spend time on them every day, even if it all comes down to using metaphors. You can live your values ​​in many different ways, some complex and some simple.

What are the values?

Values ​​can be completely different. What brings happiness to one person may cause anxiety or detachment to another. Some people value constant travel around the world, while others prefer a secure environment - a stable office job and a settled family life.

The general classification of values ​​is their division into material and spiritual. The first are goods bought with money, the second are moral.

Material values ​​usually include material independence, wealth and its attendants: the desire for a prosperous life, buying a car, house, clothes, etc. Moral benefits are achieved at the spiritual, intellectual level and include the following varieties:

• health;
• beauty;
• friendship;
• Love;
• family Children;
• originality;
• knowledge;
• professionalism;
• career growth;
• honesty;
• independence;
• sincerity;
• reliability;
• positivity, etc.

Most intangible values ​​represent moral qualities that a person strives to achieve and maintain throughout his life. America was founded on the values ​​of freedom and justice for all.

How to determine your values?

People learn values ​​from parents, teachers, friends, society. Growing up, they discard some of these benefits in favor of their own ideals. Otherwise, they will live by someone else's principles, as a result of which life may seem meaningless and unsatisfactory. This is clearly illustrated by the quote from David Foster Wallace: “If you don’t choose your values, society, culture, and the media will impose theirs on you.” Therefore, it is important for each person to determine personal values ​​where he will invest time, energy, and resources. Here are 7 simple steps to understanding them:

1. Make a list of values. First, try writing down the 10 things that are most important to you. If this turns out to be difficult, remember a time when you felt truly happy, confident, satisfied: what you did, who was there, what exactly made you happy or made you feel proud. This will indicate what brings positive emotions and gives purpose to life. Once you have completed your list of core values, set it aside and come back in the morning.
2. Select the most significant things from the list. Having created a list of 10 values, select the most important 3-4 of them. One way is to write down each benefit on a separate sheet of paper, and then set aside the less significant ones. Group benefits from the same category. Learning, growth, development, wisdom are connected by the theme of “knowledge”.
3. Set priorities. Place the benefits in the stack in order of importance. This is often the hardest part. In the end, one most important value will remain. If you find this difficult, try rating them on a scale of 1 to 10 and then sort the list in order. Prioritization can help with identifying ideals.
4. Save list. Once you've prioritized your list of core values, don't just put it in a drawer and forget about it. Post the list in a visible place, then regularly review how your behavior and decisions align with your highest values. You can also use images that remind you of ideals - a vision board with pictures or a screensaver on your phone.
5. Set goals based on values. Once you have identified your core values, turn them into goals. Consider what actions you need to take daily to live the principles. By putting “health” at the top of the list, you know daily exercise and avoiding junk food should be a priority. And if “adventure” is at the top, then perhaps planning a trip to Africa will come first.
6. Review the list. Values ​​may change. While some beliefs will remain the same throughout your life, others may become less relevant as your life circumstances change or you get older. Even if the benefits remain the same, their priority may change. Therefore, clarifying values ​​is a lifelong task. You should constantly return to this, especially if you no longer feel happy for unknown reasons. When starting out in your career, success—measured by high income, status—may become a top priority. But with the advent of a family, personal life may become more important than work. Values ​​may change as different goals are achieved. When the desired level of financial well-being is achieved, it may fade into the background, and other priorities may take its place. Therefore, it is recommended to review your values ​​at least once a year and when faced with major changes in life.
7. Be inspired by loved ones. Values ​​can be embodied in loved ones. Think about them to uncover related ideals. The list may include: “my grandfather for recognition and love,” “my wife for honesty,” “my colleague for listening skills,” “my friend for loyalty.”

Lannister and Darth Vader

Let's follow the development and transformation of the values ​​of Jaime Lannister and Darth Vader. Why was one of them able to become better, while the other, on the contrary, went over to the dark side?

At the origins of values ​​formation

First, let's look into the childhood of our heroes. Jaime was born the heir to the noble and wealthy Lannister family, guardians of the West. His father recognized the power and influence of the family as the most important thing in life. “The honor of the family will live for centuries,” he said and did everything to achieve this. Following his values, the father instilled in his eldest son from childhood: “You are a Lannister,” investing great importance in these words.

The boy grew up swimming in luxury, and always got everything he wanted, since those around him were ready to fulfill his every whim. An excellent swordsman, a knight of the king, Jaime is used to winning and being the best in everything, because, as his father always said, he is a Lannister. Jaime believed that he could do whatever he wanted without caring about other people. So, he easily threw the little boy out of the window in order to keep the secret of his relationship with his sister. “What you won’t do for love,” was all Jaime said. And he really was ready for anything, since at that time the most important thing in his life was the woman he loved.

Unlike Jaime, little Anakin (the future Darth Vader) was born under completely different conditions. He was a slave and lived with his mother on the outskirts of the Galaxy. The boy’s values ​​were formed largely under the influence of his mother, since she was the only person closest to him. Annie learned well his mother’s main lesson: “All the problems in the Universe are because no one helps anyone.” Therefore, the boy was always responsive to the difficulties of others and tried to help, without counting on any reward.

But he, like Jaime, was no stranger to ambition. Anakin realized that he was talented and capable of doing things that others could not do, for example, create the robot C-3PO or build a racing car. Unique abilities served as the basis for the development of another important value of the boy - the desire to be the best. Even then, Anakin believed that he deserved more, and over time this feeling only grew stronger.

So, we have seen how different conditions, and most importantly, different values ​​of people who surround a child in childhood, contribute to the formation of different characters. Although it was important for both Jaime and Anaken to be the best in everything, for one this value was formed through the influence of family and father, and for the other - due to natural talent. At the same time, looking at his father, Jaime believed that he had the right to do whatever he wanted to achieve his goals, and Anakin always tried to help other people, as his mother taught him.

Let's imagine that the boys were swapped in their infancy: Jaime was sent to the outskirts of the Galaxy, and Anakin was given to be raised by a noble family. How would our heroes grow up then? Anakin would most likely become a real egoist under the influence of natural talents and the helpfulness of others. And vice versa, Jaime, raised by the mother of the future lord of darkness, could grow up to be a quiet and humble boy who does not have enough stars in the sky, but is always ready to help others.

In real life, a person’s values ​​are also largely determined by the conditions in which he was born and the people who surrounded him in childhood. However, one should not blame parents and evil fate for all troubles. As we will see later, values ​​are not something immutable; they are regularly transformed under the influence of circumstances, and most importantly, our actions and choices that we make every day. This means that at any moment we can change our lives.

Challenges drive change

So, our heroes have become adults. One served in the king's guard, the other fought the Sith and helped maintain peace in the Galaxy. Life went on as usual until the heroes faced trials that made them completely different people. Let's start with Jaime. During the War of Kings, Lannister was captured and spent about a year in a cage. To get a chance to return to his beloved, Jaime brutally dealt with another captive, his distant relative. With this act, Lannister showed that he would still stop at nothing to achieve his goals.

However, the time for change was already approaching. Change began with loss. Jaime's hand was cut off, the loss of which he barely survived. His world was destroyed, since the right hand for a swordsman means even more than for an ordinary person. In addition, the “golden boy” is not used to enduring hardships. As the girl knight who accompanied him said: “You have only slightly tasted real life, where the most important things are taken away from people.” Only after losing his arm did Lannister finally realize that, despite all his titles, he was vulnerable and could also become a victim of injustice and cruel treatment, which means it is advisable not to treat others as you do not want to be treated. Justice and honor come first in the hierarchy of values ​​of a knight.

This is clearly visible in the episode when Lannister saved his brother from prison, believing in his innocence, although he knew that the woman he loved, who had always been the most important thing in his life, dreamed of seeing Tyrion on the gallows.

Now let's try to figure out why Anakin turned into Darth Vader. It all started with prophetic dreams. One day, Skywalker saw in a dream his mother calling for help. He went to the planet where he spent his childhood to find her, but arrived too late. Mom died in his arms. Heartbroken, he was angry with himself for not coming sooner and found the easiest way to deal with his emotions. The young Jedi took his anger out on his mother's kidnappers, killing them all, including women and children. The first act that is hardly worthy of a true Jedi. Then Anakin, of course, was very worried about what he had done. But the doors were open to values ​​alien to the young Jedi. Having given in to anger once, Skywalker was much easier to follow his emotions in the future. From that moment the hero's tossing began.

The second turning point in the life of the young Jedi was another dream. Now death during childbirth threatened Anakin's beloved wife. Fear for the family completely took over the future father. He longed for only one thing - to save his wife, and for this he was ready to do anything. Succumbing to fear, Anakin saved the main villain from the Jedi Master. As a result, the latter was killed, and Anakin made the final choice. He crossed over to the side of darkness with both feet, and then slammed the door behind him, killing, on the orders of the future Emperor, not only many Jedi, but also little innocent students.

Anakin got lost in his doubts and fears and as a result chose the wrong path, becoming a dark lord. Giving in to his emotions, Skywalker did not notice how the value of “family well-being,” for which he took the path of darkness, was quietly supplanted by the thirst for power. “I will bring peace to my empire, we can rule the Galaxy together, everything will be as we want,” Anakin said to his beloved wife after all these events and was even ready to kill her when she refused to share his ideas.

We, too, often succumb to the influence of emotions and commit actions that we later regret. And let us not turn into real villains. But the more often we make choices under the influence of fear or hatred, the more we are sucked into the swamp into which we once accidentally put our foot and from which we really want to get out.

As for Lannister, he managed to draw the right conclusions from everything that happened to him. And the reason here is not only the injury received. An important role in transforming the knight’s values ​​was played by his companion, who was assigned to guard him.

Influence of people around

If the loss of a hand became the impetus for change, then communication with the girl knight formed fertile ground for this process. Jaime saw that Brienne strictly followed the tenets of honor, and involuntarily began to respect her. He understood: for Brienne, honor is primarily her actions, and not the opinions of others. Even though everyone considered her involved in the death of King Renly, she knew that she was not guilty, and proudly continued to bear the title of knight.

Jaime himself, until this moment, rarely remembered honor, although previously this value was very important to him. Lannister came to terms with the role of "a man without honor" that society imposed on him after the murder of King Aegon. Remember, we discussed this principle in the first part of the article. Jaime saved the people from a crazy monarch who dreamed of burning the city. However, in doing so he violated his oath and earned only universal condemnation. Over time, he decided that there was no point in acting justly if those around you continued to stubbornly call you a “regicide” and look at you with contempt.

However, looking at Brienne, Jaime realized that the nickname "kingslayer" could not deprive him of honor if he maintained it in his actions. So the value, vegetating somewhere in the margins, again became the focus for the knight without an arm and served as the reason for many of his future actions.

Now back to Skywalker. There was also a person next to Anakin who, at the right moment, contributed to a change in his values. True, with a minus sign. Chancellor Palpatine (he is the real leader of the Sith and the future Emperor of the Galaxy) took care of the boy from the moment he appeared among the Jedi and became an important person in his life. The young Jedi listened to his patron, who, meanwhile, gently fanned the flames of emotions such as anger and hatred, and used the pride of the talented but inexperienced young man for his own purposes. Unlike Brienne, who helped Lannister take the right path, Palpatine, on the contrary, pushed Anakin to the side of darkness. Having learned that Skywalker was worried about his wife, the future Emperor promised that Anakin could save her if he learned the dark side of the force. In addition, the young man will have the opportunity to develop his abilities. “You always wanted to be something more,” the chancellor promised, playing on the strings of the young man’s pride.

In addition, at this time Anakin became disillusioned with the Jedi Order, who, in his opinion, did not always act fairly (another important value of the hero), and the teacher was not around, so the influence of the chancellor grew significantly.

However, the future Darth Vader did not give up immediately. Realizing that the Chancellor was the head of the Sith, Anakin told the Jedi about his secret patron, following the value of "justice". And perhaps the turning point would not have happened at all if the Jedi had not tried to kill the Chancellor instead of arresting him. Anakin could not allow this, since it contradicted his two main values ​​at that time: a) this was his last link to saving Padme and b) this, again, was unfair. He knocked the sword out of the Jedi Master's hands and thereby helped Palpatine kill him.

Having analyzed the fates of two movie characters, we were convinced that the environment has a strong influence on our values ​​and actions. This is especially noticeable in teenagers. “He’s a good boy, he just got involved with bad company,” people often say about some boy. However, even as we grow up, we follow the example of those around us. These people either stimulate us to move forward, or feed our not the best qualities, for example, idleness and laziness. Therefore, choose your friends and acquaintances very carefully so that one day you don’t end up somewhere you don’t want to be.

Only our choice determines our life

So, Jaime got better over time, and Anakin fell into darkness. In many ways, the changes in the lives of the heroes were caused by tragic circumstances and the people who were close to them at the time of trial. However, the decisive role was still played by the choice that the heroes made and their actions that they performed every day. They were able to change their lives at any moment, which is what Darth Vader did. At the end of his life, he turned back into Anakin when he realized that his son was about to die. His father saved Lucas from the Emperor and died not a Sith, but a Jedi.

This outcome shows that there are no irreversible actions: as long as a person lives and thinks, he can always change his values, and therefore his life. Although, the more time passes, the more difficult it is to do this.

Of course, in life everything is not as simple as in the movies. There are rarely clear villains or positive characters in it. However, the examples discussed, due to some exaggeration, help to better understand that it is important for a person to learn to determine his values. In times when we, like young Skywalker, are overwhelmed by the currents of feelings and doubts, previously defined values ​​can be the rock that will help us stay on our chosen path and not allow the rolling waves to carry us into a future where we will be unhappy.

If Anakin had determined in advance that his main value was family, he would have been able to understand in time that his actions would alienate the woman he loved and would not contribute in any way to preserving this value. And Jaime would have found peace of mind much earlier if he had determined in time that honor was valuable to him and that it did not depend on the opinions of others.

The influence of values ​​on life

As Mahatma Gandhi said, a person's actions become his values, and his values ​​become his destiny. Values ​​are very important because they act as a set of rules, guidelines for life events.

Knowing your core values ​​and their priorities helps you make the right decisions with confidence. If it is difficult to choose between two possible actions, try to imagine what the results will mean in terms of ideals - will they compromise or strengthen them? Strive to make decisions that align with your values ​​rather than work against them. It affects the kind of person you are or want to be. When choosing between two actions that comply with the principles, it is necessary to choose the higher priority. Life decisions truly determine what you value most. If you decide to create a post for a new blog instead of hanging out with friends, it means that creativity is more important than communication.

Knowing your values ​​is the best path to self-knowledge, because choosing the highest goods reveals and shapes character. British psychologist Russ Harris, author of the best-selling book “The Happiness Trap,” emphasizes: “Values ​​are even more important than goals, because you may not achieve your goals, but you can always live by your values, which is true success.”